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May 26, 2001

beast or aliens?

Dear Clark,

I am moved by your concern about my potential for alien abduction.   Let me assure you, however, that I have been sporting my own version of a thought-screening helmet for several years.   I first became aware of the alien abduction problem when Dan Quayle burst upon the political scene.   Those eyes!   Anyway, I began to notice large gaps in my short-term memory and I realized I was being abducted, quite frequently, at night.   For example, I'd go to a  bar after work, have 6 or 7 cocktails and go home where I'd polish off a bottle of Pinot Noir before retiring.   In the morning, I couldn't remember a thing about the previous night!   Convinced there was some telepathic immobilization going on, I looked for some protection.   Having a Sicilian sitting by my bed at night proved unwieldy, so I developed my own helmet.   Rather than use 3M's Velostat, I used their Post-It notes.   By overlapping hundreds of sticky notes on a hat once worn in the '20s by a hydrocephalic flapper, my thoughts (and thus, my body) became unassailable.   I have not been abducted since April 25th, 1998.

Thanks again.

Love, Andy

©  2001 by the beastmaster