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June 16, 2001
dragon me down
What does one get a Komodo dragon for Father's Day? If you're a hip, sensitive starlet with a snazzy-looking crotch, you give him your husband's foot. Actress and PETA activist, Sharon Stone, is married to San Francisco newspaper editor, Phil Bronstein. Bronstein, who looks like "Punxsutawney Phil" if that rodent sold used cars, was lured into the Komodo dragon cage at the Los Angeles zoo. According to the newspaper account I read, Ms. Stone arranged this private tour of the 7-foot Indonesian lizard's enclosure "as a treat for him for Father's Day." Phil interpreted his wife's invitation as a gift for Phil's Father's Day. As it turned out, however, the gift was meant for the dragon.
Any fool knows that Komodo dragons subsist in the wild on smelly feet and the smellier and dandier the foot, the better they like it. Have you stopped to think why you haven't heard much of River Dance lately? They played Sumatra last spring and have toured under the name Stump Hoppers ever since. Anyway, by crossing and uncrossing her legs repeatedly, Stone convinced Bronstein to take off his white sneakers (he wasn't wearing socks) because "they looked like the lizard's prey: white mice and rats." This was a lie, of course, but Phil was none the wiser so he removed his sneakers and stepped into the cage. Confronted with Phil's pumiced and stinky bare feet, the dragon (father of two baby dragons) did the polite thing and accepted Sharon's gift by chomping down on Bronstein's foot. Bronstein rudely grabbed the jaws of the 55-pound reptile and pried them open before escaping through the tiny door at the other end of the cage through which the zookeepers shoved Purina Dragon Chow when feet were not available. Her Father's Day surprise ruined, Sharon Stone stormed off in a huff vowing she'd be sporting panties when Phil got home from having his severed tendons reattached and his big toe rebuilt.
Which brings me to the point of this story about life's vagaries: One minute you're hot shit because you're married to Sharon Stone; the next minute you have a dragon on your foot.
Happy Father's Day.
© 2001 by the beastmaster