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June 24, 2001


Dear Readers,

I must print a retraction of my report on the Komodo dragon and Phil Bronstein's toe ("dragon me down").   I am compelled to do so by my sense of fairness, my journalistic integrity and by the demand letter I received from Sharon Stone's attorney.   At the center of this retraction lies a reporting error that anyone could have made.   It seems the visit to the dragon cage was a Father's Day gift not for Komo, the Los Angeles zoo Komodo dragon, but for Sharon's husband, Phil Bronstein.   That's right, Sharon did not intend to feed her husband's toe to a giant lizard; she was simply exercising her creative genius (the same creativity that gave us a fine peek at her vulva in BASIC INSTINCT) by selecting the perfect, unique gift for her husband.   This is not unusual for Sharon and Phil.

For Bronstein's birthday, Stone arranged to have an intimate picnic for just the two of them on an isolated portion of the Los Angeles firing range.   Stars like Charlton Heston frequent this private club dedicated to sharpshooting and firearm safety.   Eyewitnesses recount that Stone led a blindfolded Bronstein out into the field situated between the shooters and their targets.   After removing the blindfold and spreading both her legs and a red-checkered picnic blanket, Stone excused herself to "go potty," thereby leaving an enraptured (and engorged) Bronstein to wait for her return just as the firing range opened for business.   Bronstein escaped with only a flesh wound to his brie-cutting hand.

At Hanukkah, Stone presented Bronstein with a sweatshirt upon which was emblazoned a Star of David.   Her private jet whisked them away to Tehran where Sharon suggested Phil "put those sky-diving lessons to use."    Reliable sources aboard the plane tell me that Phil was apprehensive at first.   But when Stone assured him that the aircraft was circling Tel Aviv and that she would be jumping right after him (and without panties), Phil leapt.   He would have forgotten his parachute if not for a reminder from Sharon's personal assistant.   As it turned out, Sharon's pilot had been free-basing in the cockpit since entering international airspace and had failed to adhere to his boss's flight plan.   Bronstein landed on the roof of the Beth Israel synagogue in Manhattan suffering only a bent erection.

I could go on:   The Cinco De Mayo pinata filled with scorpions; the rabid Easter bunny; the spooky Halloween "funhouse" at the New York City Hospital for the Criminally Insane.   But the point is this:   I screwed up when I implied Sharon wanted the Komodo dragon to eat Phil Bronstein.   It was a mistake.   And I am sorry. 

©  2001 by the beastmaster