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June 29, 2001
Many of you have asked what made me quit drinking. It wasn't an automobile accident. I didn't lose my job. In fact, my epiphany was not particularly dramatic. Here is what happened:
I was visiting my sister at her lake-house and, as usual, I was still drinking and being profound when everyone else had gone to bed. As I sat in a swing on her front porch, I noticed a light coming from a bush near the water. I stumbled down to the lake and saw that the light emanated from a burning bush. The bush was ablaze, but it was not being consumed. Suddenly, I heard a deep resonant voice intone, "Come no nearer; take off your flip-flops; the place where you are standing is holy ground." I looked down and saw a small sign which read: PLEASE KEEP OFF THE HOLY GROUND! So I stepped back, kicked off my flip-flops and heard the voice say, "I am the God of your forefathers. Drink not any spirits, especially cheap wine. Smoke not any herb nor toot any coke. Swallow not any pill unless Rohrer begins making Quaaludes again in which case thou mayest take one and save one for me. And the same goeth for Ecstasy!" Then there was silence. I rubbed my eyes and saw a normal bush, a calm lake and a moonlit sky. I have not had a drink or drug since. And I never again chatted with a shrub.
© 2001 by the beastmaster