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July 8, 2001
I turn 45 on Friday, July 13. This is my state of the body address.
I remain devilishly handsome though, for some reason, no one has commented on this fact for roughly 25 years. My hairline is receding faster than the Louisiana coast, I am blinder than a mole, and my ears ring like a Metallica roadie's. Exercise produces no appreciable results and my blood is the consistency of Karo syrup. I take two different cholesterol medications, but I no doubt have plaques in my heart the size of tortillas. I lost my appendix in '95 and, if you are a student of these pages, you know that my prostate gland has petitioned for Commonwealth status. I have recently installed an airport conveyor-belt which runs past my bed to the bathroom and back. Ejaculation produces a sensation not unlike the one I feel when I clear my throat.
In the coming days, I hope to give you a sense of my 45 year-old psyche and spirit.
© 2001 by the beastmaster