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September 30, 2001


I am compiling a list of Non-Party Tricks; that is, amusing tricks for people who never attend parties.  This necessarily requires the Non-Party Trickster to play to audiences of strangers.  But many of us must begin to "think outside of the box." [Side note:  I keep hearing this phrase from security consultants, politicians and CEOs.  I am unclear on the location of the box, its contents or even the reason we should refrain from going inside it to think.  But exterior-box-thinking seems to be the thing to do and I pride myself on being hip.]  Here is an example:

Case pharmacies in your area and try to find one with an earnest, young, attractive, female pharmacist assistant.  The "attractive" part is not completely necessary, just a personal preference.  It is critical, however, that the person be an assistant and not the actual pharmacist.  Pharmacists tend to be a worldly lot which is strange given the amount of time they spend behind tall counters putting pills into little bottles.  In any event, if you find a young, female assistant pharmacist, there is a good chance she will be earnest.

Once you have selected your audience, amble over to the condom rack found on the customer side of the tall counter that will separate you from the assistant.  Gather your brow into furrows as you peruse the wide array of prophylactics hanging on pegs before you.  Pick up a few packages and study them.  And make sure you are noticed.  I suggest holding the packages at arm's length as though your aging eyes are far-sighted (they are) and move your lips slightly as you read to yourself the product description---lubricated, non-lubricated, ribbed for her pleasure and the like.  Eventually, select the brand touting itself as the condom of choice for the well-endowed.  These jumbo rubbers will probably be called "Magnums," but this may be regional for all I know.  Bring the Magnums up to the counter and, using the same face you use at funerals when telling people it was "for the best," ask the assistant, "is this the largest condom you have?"

You can judge the success of this Non-Party Trick by the reaction you elicit.  If she grins or laughs, you have failed.  If she blushes, but answers the question while struggling to maintain her composure, you have succeeded.  If she leans across the counters and slyly whispers that size doesn't matter, you have hit the jackpot.

©  2001 by the beastmaster