previous  |  main  |  index  |  next
May 31, 2003

dick apnea: part one

I do not sleep.  This causes chaos within me.  I have a sleep disorder.

So I went to the Sleep Disorder Clinic in search of a cure.  I began the process by answering hundreds of written intake questions, a task, in and of itself, therapeutic.  Multiple choice tests make me sleepy.

An oddly high percentage of the questions dealt with erections.  When I handed the completed questionnaires to the male nurse, Dwayne, he immediately flipped to that section dealing with erections.  He lifted his large blue eyes from the clipboard and asked, "How are your erections?"

"Welcomed.  And thanks for asking."

"No," replied Dwayne, "I mean, do you experience nocturnal erections?"

"Only in the nocturne.  Say, what's this got to with my inability to sleep?"

Dwayne ignored my question and asked me to step on to the scales so he could determine my height and weight.  Since I stopped growing in the 10th grade, I've listed my height at 5'7" and I figured, with the Divorce Diet, I couldn't weigh more than 145 lbs., tops.

"5 feet, 5 and three-quarter inches.  150 pounds."

Suddenly, insomnia seemed trivial, especially compared to shrinking.  Before I could request a recount, Dwayne announced that the doctor would "be with" me shortly.  That's what he thinks, I thought, adding "paranoia" to my list of maladies, right behind shrinking.

The doctor did enter the room shortly after Dwayne's departure.  I made note of his Mid-Eastern ethnicity.  He's from the Land of the Midnight Wood!  With flaccid handshake, the doctor muttered his name, but I missed it.  Mohammed Something-Or-Other.  Dr. Mo ordered me to lie on his examination table.

The doctor walked to the foot-end of the table, pushed down my socks, and examined my ankles.  I shut my eyes and cursed American imperialism.

"How are your erections?" he asked.

I opened my eyes, pulled up my socks, and swung my legs off of the table.  "Where did you get your medical degree?" I shouted, "I've got sleep apnea, not dick apnea."


©  2003 by the beastmaster